How the number one music videos from summer 2005 fare today

Was the shit provided by Hollaback Girl particularly bananas? Maybe not, but it was a pleasurable stomp all the same and it provided a much needed morale boost to the produce industry. Well done, Gwen. The video’s a bit gross to watch in 2015 for reasons that go beyond flagrant cereal abuse. Were the Harajuku Girls a tad racist? If you said “yes,” you are c-o-r-r-e-c-t! In case you forgot, the Hararjuku Girls were a quartet of Japanese women that Gwen trotted out like exotic collectables while snagging all the cultural shit she could to fill her appropriation fashion meter. It was implied Gwen and the Girls were pals, but there was a cringe-y aura that Gwen stuffed the girls back in the playbox once she was done using them. Not so well done, Gwen. She’d later do some racist First Nations dress-up with No Doubt, but got called out on her shit/bananas with relative swiftness.

2005 was neat. It was a platinum-plated age where The Game was positioned as an unstoppable hip-hop colossus (clearly everyone could sense he'd have a fantastic guest appearance on the Pot Ledom episode of Top Model years later) bundled with the all important 50 Cent co-sign that made Tony Yayo the household name he is today. Sugar would turn to shit not long after with these two being all grumblepants with one another, but "Hate It Or Love It" still rates as a classic. Two stars of their era trying to outdo each other (complete with a surprise victory from Curtis) while telling compelling tales over stellar production at the same time? Marvellous. The video feels MAXIMUM mid 00s with its visual gimmickry from The Saline Project, but whatever. It’s a historical document from a very specific chunklet of time.

It truly was selfless of the Black Eyed Peas to offer up a PSA on heart phunk health and your rights as a patient. “Don’t Phunk With My Heart” bubbled up during that surprisingly long period where BEP dominated the charts with jamz that seem designed to soundtrack sad Travelodge conference room sex. The accompanying promo was just as dignified as a drunken dental expo handjob, offering up the EXTREME YUKS that come with will.i.am, Fergie, apl.de.ap and Taboo engaging in a zany game show spoof. Light voodoo and gentle misunderstandings ahoy! Who needs comedy to have laughs when a series of shapes do things on a screen for roughly four and a half minutes? It’s never good when your video makes Obie Trice’s “Got Some Teeth” look like an unassailable masterpiece by comparison.

Would you like to have sexual intercourse with popular recording artist 50 Cent? (Legal Note: We are not selling sex with the G Unit czar in a bid to get his financial health back in order.) “Just A Lil Bit” once again placed the spotlight on the sensual side of Curtis Jackson and features far less of the “my penis is like like a lollipop” innuendo found in “Candy Shop.” The accompanying video remains adorably daffy with 50 Cent (who plays “El Jefe”) and a team of ladies outfoxing horny enemies in the Caribbean. Are these foes fellow beverage magnates? We like to imagine so.

Remember: The gap between "Incomplete" and now is twice as long as the gap between "Incomplete" and "Shape Of My Heart.” Meditate on that as buzzards pick at your dusty old corpse. This 2005 comeback single marked the official shift of Backstreet Boys from Tiger Beat stars to grizzled old men that have seen some shit, dude. You can tell it’s serious pop business because everyone seems to have gotten lost in a version of the middle of nowhere that appears remarkably dry yet is also by the shore. If only they had their “Larger Than Life” megasuits to blast off in.

If the delightfully prissy video for “Mr. Brightside” didn’t initially clue you in, the promo for “All The Things That I’ve Done” should have sealed the deal: Brandon Flowers and The Killers are just the dorkiest of dorks. That’s not meant as dig, either. It’s just these guys lean into things with supreme confidence. You can still enjoy the video as you would the refrain “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier.” Does it mean anything? Not really, if you want to break it down to its atoms, but it’s nice to embrace all the same.

If you play your cards right, you’ll get to boast to your grandkids that you were alive during a period where Eric Roberts was the chief villain in romance themed music videos. Roberts rules in the (still) amazing video for this megaballad that serves as another admirable addition to the “y’know Tommy Mottola was a supervillain” Mariah video canon. The “We Belong Together” promo is packed with 20,000 theatre camps worth of drama and the striking handsomeness of future Prison Break star Wentworth Miller. You might not trust Brett Ratner to make films (which is fair) but he and Mariah make an awfully good team.

AND WHY WOULD YOU WANT TO SPOIL SUCH A WORK OF ART WITH SOMETHING AS CRUDE AS A TITLE??? Simple Plan are a fascinating pop-punk combo because they feel like something that tumbled out of an Archie comic. The video for “Untitled (How Could This Happen To Me?) is an unapologetically earnest PSA about drunk driving and that’s an admirable thing for a pop group to do, now isn’t it? Y’know, there’s still time for an enterprising Canadian musical act to spring into action and do a “Bad Blood” style promo featuring Astar, hoverboarding bunnies Bert and Gert, and the “Don’t You Put In Your Mouth” players. The ball’s in your court, Fefe Dobson.

Behold! A relic from the X&Y era of pop-rock’s go-to stand-in for carbon monoxide. (Beware the drowsy feeling!) “Speed Of Sound” gifted the public with the exciting merger of Coldplay, Mark Romanek and expensive blinds. Watch as Chris Martin frolics (WITH PURPOSE) in front of a fancy screensaver that has the soul of a Spencer’s Gifts interior layout.