Summer and Slurpees are synonymous, and whenever the heat and humidity hits, there’s nothing we crave more than a plus-sized, Coca-Cola flavoured calorie bomb. Indeed, when things get hot and sticky, Slurpees—or, for the more mall-inclined, Icees—sell themselves. But the drink’s inherent marketability apparently isn’t enough for 7-Eleven.
See, the convenience store chain is trying to court a new demographic: Namely, hipsters. Because, after all, brands and hipsters want the same thing—they want revolutionary realness. They want organic credibility. They want disruptive authenticity.
So, in an effort to achieve those qualities—qualities championed by, say, Marcus Mumford and Lumineers—they’ve unveiled their newest Slurpee accessory: Mason jars and straws adorned with mustaches. The jars, in signature 7-Eleven style, will be massive—they’re 26 oz., or nearly a litre. The mustaches, for their part, will come in four cringe-worthy styles: The British ‘stache, the Handlebar, the Hogan (inspired by Hulkamania, natch), and the Swanson (Parks and Rec collab, anyone?).
“Of course, people can buy all four to match their Slurpee moods or if they want to slurp incognito,” 7-Eleven spokesperson Laura Gordon said, in soul-rotting brand-speak.”Slurpee-lovers of all ages will have fun sporting their favorite ‘stache straw with a mason jar mug, and enjoying a Slurpee drink is all about fun and flavor.”
“While everyone loves Slurpee drinks year-round, summertime is definitely Slurpee season,” continued the lifeless, heavily vetted marketing copy riddled with active words. “I suspect we will see lots of Slurpee mustache photos on Instagram, Facebook and Twitter.”
That’s what you call a call to action for raw, unscripted, word-of-mouth social content, right? What’s next, a Viceroy x Taquito collab? Hyyyyyyype!