Melodrama is finally here, and going by most reviews, it’s great—especially when you take into account that young Ella Marija Lani Yelich-O’Connor, aka Lorde, is only 20 years old. Raw, affecting, and with a mature, emotional lyricism that puts certain other high-profile releases to shame, Melodrama is All in all, not bad for a former onion ring critic.
Most of Melodrama‘s reviews, even the mega-positive ones, are from the kind of stodgy outlets that are still cranking out album reviews in the same old “it sounds like this, its influenced by this” format. So what’s the new shit, when it comes to album reviews? Erotic fanfiction from Reddit, of course! Just ask Redditor ‘wonderbitch26’, who decided to express their Melodrama love in the most sensual terms possible.
This is about to get very NSFW. Don’t say we didn’t warn you…
So I start the album. Green Light starts and everything is fine. I enjoy the music but am always careful. Lorde sets in the corner of my room, sulking. I smirk. I just bought this wig and this bitch isn’t getting it…And then Melodrama starts. I know this is going to be rough. Lorde, still in the corner, is no longer sulking. She has a look in her eyes. Her wig snatching hand starts to twitch along to the beat my pussy is popping to. I know it will take all of my strength to save myself and remain pure.
But the beat kicks in and I’m simply to weak. I reach down and rip the tape off of my pussy, freeing it and allowing it pop as it was always meant to. The album continues on and, exposed for the Lorde slut I really am, I begin twerking, even though that trend died in 2015.
I’m not her first victim. Lorde leaves me there, pussy still popping to the rest of her incredible album, where I will remain for the rest of my hoe ass life.
Just once, I’d like to read an Robert Christgau review that included the term “pussy popping.” Hopefully the trend of erotic fanfiction reviews continues, until every page of the The New Yorker looks like a random page from Tropic of Cancer.