Sometimes, all you want at a music festival is a good time with better tunes (or vice versa). Sometimes, all you want is time away from Bumble with your BFFs. But if you’re single and ready to mingle? We won’t judge. Here’s the thing, though: a festival as big as Osheaga in a city full of beautiful people like Montreal means beggars can be choosers, and when it comes to meeting Mr. Right (or Mr. Right Now), there are some dudes not worth your time.
Don’t worry, we’ve listed them out for you:
1. The Insta-guy
Please put your phone down. No, you can’t tag us. It’s bad enough when dudes slide into your DMs, but when they do it in person, look out. Osheaga can be like real life Tinder if you want it to be, so swipe left on these “Public Figure” Insta-superstars who think having a high follower count is the same as having a personality. Shady? Sure. But we’re here to be Insta-famous on our own damn pages.
2. The Landshark
We’ve all seen him. Is he here alone? Maybe. But he’ll do everything in his power not to leave that way. The Landshark treats women like prey and we’re not here to be hunted. Whatever you do, DO NOT make eye contact.
3. The sidler
Yes, that’s a Seinfeld reference, but 20 years later it holds up. Let’s set the scene for you: You’re dancing with your squad, lost in the music—maybe Tegan and Sara are playing? Maybe it’s Bishop Briggs?—and then you feel something. It’s not a breeze, though, at least not the kind you’ve been waiting all sunny damn day for. No, that’s someone’s… breath… on your neck. And did he just touch your leg!? These dudes are not about personal space. If you want to dance, ask. Otherwise, make like Robyn and do it on your own THANKS. Also relevant: The close talker. PERSONAL SPACE, DUDE. HAVE YOU HEARD OF IT?
4. The sloppy drunk
We’re all adults here, and nobody’s going to judge you for indulging in a little liquid courage, but, y’know… pace yourself? There’s nothing worse than being the person who can’t handle their beer, sloppily sloshing through the muddy field and slurring his words and cursing like a sailor. Actually, there might be one thing worse: Being the person who hooks up with one of them. Steer clear of these lushes unless you want to walk the fine line between hook-up and babysitter.
5. The greaser
No, we’re not talking about the cast of Grease here. Like, we get it—it’s hot—but please keep your shirt on, thanks. Sweating is natural, but when your face is running like that Key and Peele sketch and the ground beneath you looks like a melted polar ice cap, Houston, we’ve got a problem. And just because we get it doesn’t mean we want to hug you. Please, please don’t use us as a human towel.