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Vanilla Ice thinks the new Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles are too corporate

August 19, 2014

Like the lot of us, Vanilla Ice has heard the theme from Michael Bay’s Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie. And like the lot of us, he’s less than impressed. But who is he to talk?

Ice, who famously recorded “Ninja Rap” for the franchises sterile 1992 sequel, says Wiz Khalifa, Juicy J and Ty Dolla $ign’s “Shell Shocked” feels artificial, telling GQ that it “sounds like a bunch of executives in the corporate world put it together.”

“It really does not fit the theme of the Ninja Turtles legend,” he continued. “I think you have to understand, and be a true Ninja, to possess the Magic to really pull off the secret sound.”

Be a true Ninja? Like, a Juggalo? Ultimately, Ice’s argument boils down to authenticity, something he’s not exactly an expert in. Lest we forget Cool as Ice?

The crux of his argument is that Wiz et al didn’t approach with the right historical context.

[pullquote]You’ve got to understand the history and have a magical connection—a connection that’s tied in to the beginning of the turtles and all the way through their evolution. I would connect with it, and it wouldn’t be corporate.[/pullquote]

[pullquote]When I did the “Ninja Rap” I did that in my hotel room by myself with an SP-1200 drum machine. I did the whole thing there because I could see the turtles dancing there. It was all about dancing back in those times. Before, the turtles were not expected to dance. I actually got the turtles to dance in the movie.[/pullquote]

The irony here is too rich to be true. The fact his point hinges on making the Turtles dance, something he says is inauthentic to the franchise, is funny enough until you factor in the fact that franchise, as we know and love it, is essentially a cash grab to sell toys and pizza.

Sure, the 1990’s live-action adaptation was a surprisingly dark and nuanced interpretation for what it was, but its sequel, 1991’s The Secret of Ooze was sold on a tagline that essentially translated to “because you’ll see it anyway,” and its execution stripped the movie almost entirely of conflict, making it the perfect parallel to Vanilla Ice’s music.

Because why wouldn’t he, Wiz Khalifa isn’t phased by Ice’s criticisms.

“I felt like his opinion was super-valid, from his standpoint,” Wiz told MTV News. “Because A) he’s passionate about this music and B) he did have something to do with… The Secret of the Ooze so he’s allowed to have personal involvement, he was in on it.”

Don’t forget C) Because he really needs this.

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