Fifty Shades of Grey, likely the only body of text including the phrases “anal fisting” and “genital clamps” that your mom has proudly enjoyed on her lunch break, is now finally a movie. Basics the world over will line up this Valentine’s Day to watch awkward sex scenes between two actors that don’t really like each other.
I’ve actually seen the movie—I went to a preview screening last night. After some shirtless men did lap-dances for the giggly middle-aged women in the crowd, the film started, and it was a mess of erect nipples, gentle whipping and plenty of sighing and groaning, both onscreen and in the audience. It was also boring and strangely unsexy.
Aside from all the humping sounds, there are plenty of musical moments in Fifty Shades of Grey. Its soundtrack sort of resembles a Starbucks compilation for moms and dads who hold key parties, all sessi Beyoncé remixes, orchestral Weeknd tracks and, perhaps most erotic of all, a score from Danny Elfman (whose tinted glasses suggest he’s a bit of a freak in the bedroom). Plus, in the long tradition of Mint Records cameos in popular films, there’s a moment where the ludicrously named Anastasia Steele wears a Mint t-shirt.
These aren’t the only musical connections to your auntie’s spank bank fodder, however. The film’s lifeless lead Jamie Dornan, who comes off like a cross between Gossip Girl‘s Dan Humphrey and a douchey Phil Elverum, used to play in a band called Sons of Jim.
The band’s name, along with their cover art, sort of make them seem like the kind of act that would close out a mid-season finale of One Tree Hill. Similarly, the music is emotive folk pop complete with finger-plucked acoustic guitars, lyrics about fairy tales and canned strings. Then, like the explosive pleasure that’s achieved when two adults ravage each other for hours, the song climaxes with some uptempo drums. It’s a feel-good folk song you can fist to.
Listen to Sons of Jim’s “Fairytale” below.