Canada has a healthy stockpile of one-hit wonders gallivanting around with their solitary signature tunes and we’re in the mood to spotlight the 2000’s one-hit wonder harvest. You don’t even have to call or text a Canadian Idol approved phone number to do it. Lucky you!
Hampton The Hamster – “The Hamsterdance Song”
Unquestionably one of the most daring side projects Neil Young has ever been a part of… Nah, we’re just messing with you. “The Hamsterdance Song” is a Boomtang Boys produced slice of novelty dorkout madness that bubbled up out of Deidre LaCarte’s late ’90s proto-meme and attached itself to your brain. The dance is pretty user-friendly. You stomp your hands, clap your feet and eat, your little hamster babies once you’ve given birth to them. Every generation gets the Minions it deserves.
Ryan Malcolm – “Something More”
Good ol’ Ryan Malcolm. He was our Kelly Clarkson. Not in the sense that he’s a pop-rock dynamo with hits galore that you’d want to be drinking buds with, but more along the lines that he was the first ever winner of Canadian Idol. (Where was our From Gary Beals to Ryan cinematic masterpiece? YOU SCREWED US, IDOL!) Ryan charmed the nation with his mastery of Creedence Clearwater Revival and Billy Joel offerings, and scored a #1 hit with his coronation anthem “Something More.” Ryan would shift into fronting the rock outfit Low Level Flight a few years later.
Sugar Jones – “Days Like That”
There are roughly three things you remember about Sugar Jones: 1) They were the group off the first season of Popstars 2) “Days Like That” is a servicable R&B adjacent recording that sounds nice on the Dollarama speaker system 3) The group’s stylist was clearly out of their depth and should have been sent to prison. Infinitely more popular than fellow Popstars alums Velvet Empire and Christa Borden, Sugar Jones lasted roughly long enough to plop out a glossier take on Fierce’s overlooked “Dayz Like That.” They’d pack it in about a year later. (At the risk of infuriating the No Angels die-hards in the crowd, we feel comfortable crowning Girls Aloud the best of the Popstars alumni bunch.)
11:30 – “Olè Olè”
In our hearts it’s always 11:30. Montreal twins Toni and Trish Sherwood are always criminally overlooked in the CanCon one-hit wonder game even if “Olè Olè” sounds like one of those royalty-free tunes TLC slaps over popular music on their programming. The first two minutes are a bit of a snooze but SHIT PICKS UP after that point and we’re all the better for it. In case you forgot, the video for the track features Toni and Trish throwing a budget dance party because their doofus boyfriends are too horny for video games to share any affection. If memory serves, 34% of Brazzers videos start that way.
Custom – “Hey Mister”
Speaking of potentially smutty scenarios, let’s talk about Custom’s “Hey Mister” for a spell. The NYC-based Canuck trotted out this sneering brozeph anthem where he brags to a dad about dipping his daughter in chocolate, feeding her drugs and putting boogers in the peanut butter. Essentially, he’s the dickhole in your ’00s Intro to Philosophy course that wouldn’t shut up about Tucker Max. It’s tongue-in-cheek but so sloppily executed that it doesn’t really matter. The promo for “Hey Mister” generated a smidge of controversy when MTV pulled it over the lyrical content and the quasi-predatory way the female lead was shot.
Kazzer – “Pedal To The Metal”
Fuck your driver’s manual! Kazzer has his own predilections for pedal usage and he crafted his own rap-rock goofball anthem about it. If a Metal Mulisha hat became sentient, it’d probably knock out this song in about 15 minutes oe less before being asked to leave the mall for causing a disturbance. Kazzer would later exit the world of pedal-to-metal advocacy to front reasonably popular dude rockers Redlight King. BONUS FACT: Kazzer was an alternate on the 2000 Canadian Men’s Olympic Judo Team? That sounds like something shouted during a fever dream, but it’s a real piece of our country’s athletic history.
Shiloh – “Operator (A Girl Like Me)”
Shiloh’s signature tune is unquestionably this former MuchMusic medium rotation offering that sounds a smidge like a Lily Allen castoff run through a High School Musical filter with mixed results. That said, we’d be happy to see Shiloh pop back in and do some new things. Exciting things! Shiloh-y things! Make it happen, recording industry.
Kreesha Turner – “Don’t Call Me Baby”
Gem! This 2008 breakup anthem had its tentacles wrapped around Canadian radio for ages with its pleasant pop-R&B stylings that made you feel like you were being wrapped in a very supportive blanket. Smile through it, sob through it, dance awkwardly like the “friends” in the video did through it. Kreesha Turner’s “Don’t Call Me Baby” is here for you.
Out Of Your Mouth – “Music”
Humanity’s weakness for “what if ____ was sorta different” novelty goofz-n-spoofz brought us Out Of Your Mouth and their shitball “NONE MORE RAWKIN'” take on Madonna’s 2000 hit “Music.” (It appeared on their album Dragdhad which makes a strong case for all album titles being abolished.) Irritating and smug in its faux-danger, all the joy of the original gets the smooshed under the weight of a crappy cover. The track’s been pretty much scrubbed off YouTube (thanks YouTube!) so please enjoy our substitute video of a hippo unleashing a torrent of diarrhea at the Toronto Zoo.