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8 NHL goal anthems that need to be stopped right pucking now

October 29, 2015

These go-to goal songs are the musical equivalent of being dunked in garbage water.

Have you welcomed hockey back with open arms this October? The National Hockey League has dropped the puck (WORDPLAY™) on a new season and that’s fantastic news for fans of the sport and also for fans of millionaires wearing pictures of cartoons on their chest at work. One non-fantastic piece of news with the arrival of a new campaign: You’re going to have to hear the same goal anthems over and over again.

Hockey arena DJs seem to be fond of a certain set of tunes earmarked for play after the home side lights the lamp. Sadly, the bulk of these go-to songs are either terrible, overplayed or a combination of the two. We’re not asking for like Glenn Branca or some shit to get blasted at the Saddledome when Mark Giordano cuts a lead to 4-2, but there’s an over-reliance on a certain combo of goal anthem choices and these cuts need to be called out.

IMPORTANT: It’s not impossible to roll with a beautiful goal anthem. Just look at Buffalo who (through fan voting, no less) put it together that DJ Kool’s “Let Me Clear My Throat” is a celebratory masterpiece. If your soul doesn’t immediately feel like it’s in a bouncy castle when that cut’s deployed you are some sort of joyless ghoul with a heart made of old sweatsocks. YOU CANNOT DENY ITS CHARMS!

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There’s hope for the clubs that trot out the eight tired goal anthems we’ve singled out below. We believe in the power of change and the ability for franchises to realize hearing Rev Theory’s “Hell Yeah” is like being dunked in garbage water. Sort it out, heartless corporate hockey machines.

Gary Glitter – “Rock and Roll Part 2”

Why wouldn’t you want to associate your favourite team’s moment of joy with a long think about a glam rocker best known for being a child pornography enthusiast? Gary Glitter continues to build his horrifying résumé of being a sexual predator year by year, but professional sports is still like “uh yeah, but we’re pretty sure this is the only song with ‘hey’ in it, so we’ve gotta keep it.” The Nashville (non-sexual) Predators ended up giving this track the heave-ho in 2014, but it still hung in the air like a sinister fart in a few other NHL buildings. Blessedly, the final Glitter loyalists (Colorado, San Jose) have given up on the track as well. Here’s hoping it’s officially banished off the face of the earth never to return.

Rev Theory – “Hell Yeah”

Good ol’ Rev Theory. Whenever the Winnipeg Jets score, they drop a steaming dump on top of a moment of celebration. If “Hell Yeah” were a person, it would be dragged out of your local GNC after getting into a fistfight over someone disrespecting his $150 dragon t-shirt, bro. This goal anthem is one of those tunes that are more gym bully than badass in its aggro modern rock stylings and has all the charm of Legionnaires’ disease. Any other song will do. Wanna toss on Crash Test Dummies’ “Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm” as substitute? Marked improvement. Prefer an audio recording of a moose giving birth? Even better. Just make Rev Theory stop.

Joe Satriani – “Crowd Chant”

Soulless crowd participation dad grease that would wear a leather baseball cap if it could. This shit’s like joy repellent and the titular “crowd chant” sounds like something a gaggle of aliens would put together in a bid to impress humanoids with their rawkin’ song. It’s not unreasonable to imagine this Joe Satriani offering is capable of being dehydrated into a fine powder.

Blur – “Song 2”

Woo hoo, indeed. Is “Song 2” a quality blast of ironic grunge? You betcha. Does it ever need to be heard at the rink again? Absolutely fucking not. Played to death and fed to the necrophiliacs, “Song 2” seems incapable of making a clean break from the world of professional ice hockey. The Carolina Hurricanes, who seem to be the only Blur backers left in the NHL, have chosen to bedazzle the UK jock jam with Ric Flair wooing like a maniac. Why not just part ways with “Song 2” and have Eric Staal cut a Flair promo after every goal? Everybody wins that way. (It’s way more likely than a switch to “Country House.”)

The Black Keys – “Howlin’ For You”

Hockey games are always a safe place for anyone that enjoys dad-rock, so naturally The Black Keys (the Kirkland Signature jeans of music) have had multiple songs that get ejaculated out of the speakers when the home side scores. “Howlin’ For You” might be the most irritating of the bunch, but at least when the song’s busted out at Arizona Coyotes games there are a few loud howls added to the mix. There’s something magical about a bunch of grown men celebrating a goal with AWWWWWOOOOOOO reverberating through the arena. WE ARE COYOTE MEN! HEAR US HOWL AFTER MOVING A RUBBER DISC INTO THE OTHER TEAM’S FORBIDDEN ZONE!

Zombie Nation – “Kernkraft 400”

German electro and unpleasant groaning were surgically fused together in 1999 and North American jock sniffers have been inexplicably thirsty for it ever since. Come back, “Sandstorm.” All is forgiven.

Loco Locass – “Le But”

At the risk of being crucified by Habs fans, it needs to be said that Montreal’s goal song is a stringy grey turd of a choice. Aside from the “the guys we like did the good thing” association with the track, this thing’s like taking a firehose of gruel to the face. “Le But” sounds like something that’d be in a corporate leadership DVD sent down to your work from head office. There’d be a clean shaven man in a suit pumping his fist to this on the top of a mountain just before the credits roll. You’re better off just grabbing a pamphlet with the lyrics printed on it.

Joe Lynn Turner – “Hey Hey Hockeytown”

Detroit’s tailor-made goal anthem “Hey Hey Hockeytown” is so beautifully awful that it might actually be a shame to see it go. It’s like the hockey song equivalent of when a muffler shop owner puts his no good glue sniffin’ nephew Brad in charge of coming up with a snazzy jingle. It’s one of those “WE’RE GONNA DO IT!” call to arms backed by the wussiest garbage rock in existence. This dude probably comes across like someone that knocks out a million rawk screeds a year about how Barack Obama can’t tell him what he can and cannot burn inside his house CAUSE THIS COUNTRY WAS BUILT ON FREEDOM AND BEING REEEEEEAAAALLL.

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