There will come a time, probably soon, when cats rise up Planet Of The Apes-style and take rightful claim over the Earth, complete with all the same horse riding, upright walking, and sign language skills those damn dirty apes displayed.
When they do, we presume there’ll be a place in the New Purr Order for those particular humans who’ve already given up on free will. They may not be the only ones granted a magnanimous nuzzle from Bastet when this furball reckoning comes, though.
We’d like think these great cat masters would have room in their hearts for the artists — the painters, the pottery makers, the builders, and, most importantly, the musicians. It’s clear there are a number of Canadian musicians who’ve already read the hairballs on the floor and decided to pre-emptively create glorious odes for their future Cat Lords.
We tracked down 15 of the best cat songs made by these Canadian meowsicians.
Hawksley Workman, “Teenage Cats”
Hawksley’s so ready for the takeover he’s started painting his face to look like a cat.
Joel Plaskett, “On & On & On”
This 12-plus minute diary-like number from Plaskett finishes up with the East Coast singer contemplating what his cat White Fang is going to eat for dinner. It’s “the same damn thing you ate last night.”
Hayden basically sits around all mopey waiting for his cat to come home. Who’s got the power in this relationship?
Kids In The Hall, “Cats! The All Cats Band”
“It’s hell being a cat,” declares Mark McKinney, while his fellow KITH members play on in the world’s most feline jazz band.
B.A. Johnston, “Bad Cat Sitter”
Do not get B.A. Johnston to be your cat sitter. He’ll basically ignore it and eat the food in your apartment.
B.A. Johnston, “Shitty Cat”
What we learned from the flipside of this feline relationship: If given the opportunity, your cat will eat your taco meat and take a shit in your tomato patch.
The Weakerthans, “Plea From A Cat Named Virtute”
Possibly #peakcatsong and one half of a pair of Virtute-related Weakerthans numbers, this existential exploration is about how sadsack pathetic Virtute the cat thinks its human is.
The Weakerthans, “Virtute The Cat Explains Her Departure”
Virtute leaves her human. This song is genuinely upsetting.
Fred Penner, “The Cat Came Back”
Because why not throw a micro-snippet of K-os’ “Crabbuckit” into an old tradition that you’ve already turned into a medley with “Hit The Road, Jack”?
Johnny And The Moon, “Little Red Cat”
Presumably Wolf Parade/Hot Hot Heat alum Dante DeCaro made this song so difficult to find on the internet because this little red cat is just too amazing to know about. We found a snippet, though.
Bran Van 3000, “Saltwater Cats”
We’re not sure why these restless cats need to navigate their way around trains, but can one truly ever understand their motives?
Avril Lavigne, “Hello Kitty”
Chad Kroeger has a co-writing credit on this abomination.
Luke Doucet, “The Love Cats”
Sure, it’s a Cure cover, and sure it’s more cats-as-metaphor than actually about cats, but aren’t Whitehorse dreamy?
Cat’s Eyes, “Cat’s Eyes”
“Cat’s Eyes,” the song, from Cat’s Eyes, the album, by Cat’s Eyes, the band (featuring Canuck Rachel Zeffira and The Horrors’ Faris Badwan), tells the tale of a wayward stray cat who doesn’t run with the pack. This may also be metaphor.
Venetian Snares, Songs About My Cats
Inspired by Venetian Snares mainman Aaron Funk’s four cats Chinaski, Fluff Master, Bobo, and Kakarookee, we like to imagine this album is Funk attempting his own cat-centric glitchcore version of Neil Young’s electronic album Trans.