It’s Valentine’s Day. February 14th. The corporo-Christian holiday dreamed up by Big Romance to extract maudlin displays of affection with concurrent extraction of money from your bank account.
But not you. You will not be swayed by forced sentiment. You’re different. You have… a plan.
And that plan is to very literally put it in your mouth.
The “It” in this case is the sexual reproductive organs of one (or more?) partners. You’ve determined that by talking into Mr. Microphone or eating the vertical taco on Valentine’s Day, it will improve your quality of life for the following 24-48 hours by a solid 37%.
You are not, however, the first person to think about going downtown. The best we can tell, musicians have been contemplating lickety laps and banana peeling forever. These musicians have also built up a sizeable knowledge base and repository of cautionary advice on the subject.
Before the big day we highly recommend doing some advance research with these 11 songs about oral sex…
Bryan Adams – “Summer of 69”
Let’s consult the Urban Dictionary to learn more about this (sic) “69”:
“The act of having simultanious oral sex. a 69 can be when 2 males suck each other, when 2 females eat eachother, or when a man and a woman suck AND eat eachother.”
Akinyele – “Put It In Your Mouth”
This incredibly popular and incredibly crude directive in swan swallowing is at least partially redeemed in the song’s equal opportunity clam kissing second half and the affirmation, “Whether you choose to eat pussy or dick, people throughout the world it’s your pick.”
Lil’ Kim – “Not Tonight”
On “Not Tonight”, rapper Lil’ Kim lays down the first rule about yodeling in her canyon:
“The moral of the story is this/If you ain’t lickin’ this, you ain’t stickin’ this.”
20 Fingers feat. Roula – “Lick It”
“You gotta lick it before we kick it.”
D’Angelo – “Left & Right”
“Smack your ass, pull your hair. I’ll even kiss you way down there.”
Shirt-deficient R&B star D’Angelo apparently likes things a little rough, but he’ll make sure you’re well serviced.
Kelly Rowland – “Kisses Down Low”
Over the course of 83 lines sometimes Destiny’s Child member and all the time under-Beyonce’s-shadow-er Kelly Rowland makes it *very* clear she likes her kisses down low.
N*E*R*D – “Brain”
We kinda had higher expectations from Pharrell Williams’ rock/funk/rap band N*E*R*D than “Girl unlatch your bra, but first unlatch your jaw.”
Peaches – “Downtown”
Peaches wants to take you downtown and even though she offers to “give you a bus ride” in this song we’re pretty sure she’s not talking about public transit.
Consolidated and The Yeastie Girlz – “You Suck”
There’s no risk of unwanted pregnancy in The Yeastie Girlz’ world because their partners have a singular directive: “Get your face between my thighs.”
Missy Elliott – “Work It”
“You do or you don’t or you will or won’t you,
Go downtown and eat it like a vulture,
See my hips and my tips, don’t you?
See my ass and my lips, don’t you?”
Eating it “like a vulture” is perhaps not the sexiest imagery.
Lil’ Wayne – “Lollipop”
This song is incomprehensible. People, please do not “burp burp” or “jerp jerp” each other.